


White Rabbit

by darkin520



Category: seaQuest
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkin520/pseuds/darkin520
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the world of seaQuest was all created in Nathan's head? First season, one-shot. AU. *COMPLETE*</p>
            </blockquote>





	White Rabbit

The moment she entered the ward room for the morning staff meeting, Kristin knew something was off. Every member of the senior staff was already seated at their usual places, but the looks on their faces told her something was indeed very wrong. She walked towards her chair, but that was when she noticed the one person not where he ought to be: the captain. She glanced to Jonathan with a raised brow. "Where...?"

He nodded to the corner of the room, and she reluctantly followed his gaze. She already knew what she'd see; indeed, there was the captain curled up in a fetal position, whispering to himself and rocking gently. She clicked her tongue in disgust. "Why in the world didn't you come get me earlier?"

Katie shrugged. "Jonathan already tried talking to him," she explained. "He didn't get anywhere, so we didn't think it mattered. We knew you were on your way."

She sighed, knowing she really couldn't blame the others; it might not have made a difference anyway. This wasn't the first time they'd seen him this way, and she feared it might not be the last. _Or that it would be the last._ Both scenarios were equally worrying, since she also knew what that might mean for the rest of the crew. Everything depended on him. She swallowed hard and carefully moved to approach him. "Nathan?" she said quietly, kneeling down on the floor next to him.

He didn't seem to notice her, however, continuing to stare at the wall, his eyes glazed over.

Kristin frowned, knowing things were worse than any of them knew. She stood and turned to the others. "I think perhaps we should postpone the meeting for now, though we may need to have one later to discuss the situation at hand. For now, just continue business as normal."

The others nodded in agreement and began to file out of the room, but Lucas lagged behind, moving towards her. He glanced worriedly at the captain. "Doc...it...it's been a long time since we've seen him like this. I...I'm scared."

The concern in the young man's voice brought tears to her eyes, but she blinked them back. She was just as frightened as he was, but she had to remain strong for the moment. She took a shaky breath and put her arm around Lucas' shoulders. "I know, dear, but all we can do is hope for the best. Just try to get your mind off all this. Perhaps go spend some time with Darwin? Or play a computer game?" She bit her bottom lip. "I don't think we'll be doing much in the lab today, so the choice is yours."

His brow still furrowed in concern, but he nodded. "I'll try. See you later?"

"Of course. Have fun." She gave him a weak smile, and he flashed her that boyish grin of his, giving her a wave and then leaving the room. She heaved yet another sigh and turned back to the captain, who was still in his own little world.

She knelt down beside him once again, placing a gentle hand on his arm. "Nathan, please look at me. It's all right. You're all right."

He finally looked at her with glassy eyes. "Kris?" he choked out. "They...they're back, and they...they want me to..."

"Shh," she soothed quietly, pulling him into her arms as she gently rubbed his back. "I know, Nathan. I know, but..it's going to be all right."

"Can you make them go away?" he asked after a brief moment.

His voice sounded so small and frightened, like a child, and it nearly broke her heart. "I...I wish I could, but you know that's not possible. You're going to have to talk to them."

He pursed his lips in disappointment. "I just want to stay here."

She kissed his forehead. "I know, but if you talk with them, you'll be back before you know it." She did her best to keep her voice steady, knowing that she might not be telling the truth. And deep in her heart, she knew Nathan knew it too. They all did.

He clung to her for several minutes before nodding. "Will you come with me?"

"You know I'm always with you," she told him. "I won't leave your side."

__-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_ _

Bill Noyce frowned as he entered the lobby of the Pearl Harbor Psychiatric Center, hoping that something would be different this time. He walked past the reception desk, not bothering to check in. He didn't need to; the nurses knew him well enough now, and they knew exactly who he was there to see. He took the elevator up to the fourth floor and walked to room 4-600. He glanced in the window, seeing Nathan in the corner talking to himself.

He couldn't help but shake his head at the sight, seeing his old friend in such a state. The moment Carol Bridger had become ill, she had known her time was limited. She'd called Bill and made him promise he'd look after Nathan. He'd had little choice but to agree; Nathan had already been altered by Robert's death, but no one could have possibly known how hard he'd take Carol's. He'd cut off all ties from the outside world, becoming a recluse on his island. He'd disconnected phones, computers...anything that would allow others to contact him. Since he'd had no other way to get hold of him, Bill had been forced to visit the island several times in the year since Carol had passed. At first, Nathan had just seemed a bit detached, but it had certainly been understandable, considering he was still grieving. But each time Bill had seen him, it had only seemed to get worse.

He'd had half a mind to just leave him to his own devices. Traveling from Pearl to the Yucatan every few months had not only been costly, it had been difficult to find the time. The UEO had needed him, and he hadn't the time to babysit a friend, even if he had promised his late wife he would.

Unfortunately, though, Janet had refused to let him forget his promise, so he'd been forced to keep making visits whenever possible. There had been a five month patch where Bill couldn't get away, however, and by the time he'd managed to do so, he'd found that Nathan had dealt with his wife's untimely death in a rather unique way. The only problem had been that it wasn't exactly what one would call 'normal'.

Somehow, Bill had convinced him he needed to stay in Pearl for a while. He'd thought if Nathan could stay with people he knew, he'd bounce back into reality. He never did, though, so Bill had been forced to take him to a doctor, who'd referred him to a specialist, who'd admitted him to the psychiatric ward.

That had been six months prior, and even after other doctors assessed Nathan's case, they couldn't get anywhere with him. Bill heaved a sigh as he placed the visitor key card they'd given him under the security scanner to go inside when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see a young, mustached African American man wearing a white coat with J. Carpenter, MD embroidered in black lettering on the left side.

"Uh, Mr. Noyce, I presume? The nurses told me you usually come here on Wednesdays around this time. I'm Dr. Joel Carpenter; I understand Dr. Eastman had spoken to you about me taking over Mr. Bridger's case?"

Bill nodded. "I didn't realize it would be so soon, but yes, he spoke with me about it last week." He motioned towards Nathan's door. "I don't suppose you have good news for me, though?"

"I wanted to get started as soon as I could," Dr. Carpenter explained. "I actually do have some news for you...and also several questions. I was wondering if you had time to speak with me in my office?"

Bill looked through Nathan's window again; it didn't seem like he even realized he was there, so a delay wouldn't make that much of a difference. He put the key card back in his pocket and pulled the door shut until he heard the click to ensure it had re-locked. "I have all afternoon," he replied.

"Wonderful," the doctor replied. "Follow me, then."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

"Have a seat, please," Dr. Carpenter said when they'd arrived at a small office down the hall, motioning to some chairs in front of his desk.

Bill obliged, but he already had a feeling he knew where this was going. Still, he tried to give the doctor the benefit of the doubt.

The younger man closed the office door and then moved to sit behind his desk. He then took out a thick file folder, presumably Nathan's file. "I've gone through Dr. Eastman's notes, and over the past week, I've done my own assessment of Mr. Bridger, and-"

"And you're going to tell me there's nothing you can do," Bill finished for him. "That's what everyone says."

Dr. Carpenter smiled softly. "Actually, I was going to say that I do see signs of improvement."

A brow rose in surprise "You...you do? When? How?"

"I'm sure you've noticed it yourself as well. There are times when you and Nathan can have a normal conversation with each other, yes?"

"Of course, but it's always been like that. He can carry normal conversations for a short time, but then he'll ask about one of them."

The doctor nodded. "Yes, it's as though he's gone through the looking glass, so to speak. He's created a fantasy world to deal with the loss of his family." He frowned as he turned a few pages in the folder. "And as I said, I have gone through the notes, and though I've tried to have Nathan explain to me about this world he calls _seaQuest_ , I'm still a bit confused. _SeaQuest_ was a UEO flagship, was it not?"

Bill cringed slightly. He'd gone through this with the other doctors, and he hated having to explain every last detail. But then again, this was the first doctor to admit that Nathan might be improving, so he shelved his own feelings for the moment. "Yes, indeed, it was. Actually, Nathan himself had designed it; originally, the UEO had wanted him to captain it, but he was grieving over the death of his son. After the incident at Livingston Trench in 2017, NORPAC gave the _seaQuest_ over to the UEO. Though it was intended to be used as a peacekeeping science and research vessel, the UEO brass feared it might be used for war, and that was something we were trying to avoid at all costs, especially with the peace treaty, so she's been retired ever since. Besides, they only wanted one man to captain it, and it was plain to see that wasn't going to happen."

"Yes, that was about the time when Mrs. Bridger had passed away or shortly thereafter," Dr. Carpenter said. "But you saw him during that time, didn't you? Did he exhibit any strange behavior then?"

Bill shook his head. "Not that I noticed. I admit, I only saw him a few times here and there, and of course, he was a grieving widower. He seemed sad, but nothing you wouldn't expect from someone who'd just lost his wife. He wanted very little to do with the outside world, you see."

Dr. Carpenter read a few notes and nodded. "He wouldn't let you or anyone else contact him, so you were forced to travel there."

"He did travel to the mainland on occasion, though," Bill pointed out. "He had to have a way to get basic necessities. I don't think anyone really knew him there, however. I went to see him as often as I could, and he was fine...just fine. But I got a little busy, and there were some gaps between trips. One time, he seemed fine, the next..." He motioned with his hand. "He was like that. I was hoping it was just a phase..."

"It might be. Some phases last longer than others while some never go away." He paused as he leafed through some of the papers. "But I have a feeling if we can get to the bottom of this, maybe we can get Nathan to realize that these people aren't living on this submarine." He looked up from the notes. "But according to Dr. Eastman, the people who are living in his fantasy aren't fantasy themselves. They're people Nathan knew in the past, yes?"

"Yes, at one time or another. A lot of them are military staff that Nathan worked with when he himself was in the Navy while others were classmates of his son at Annapolis."

"Yes, actually, Dr. Eastman made a list of those who are in the military here." He handed the list to Bill. "You wouldn't happen to be in contact with any of them, would you?"

Scanning the list, Bill recognized most of the names. "I could do so if needed. I see Jonathan Ford quite often. Can I ask why?"

Dr. Carpenter smiled. "It's all part of my plan. If we could have them all make a visit to him, perhaps he'd realize that this _seaQuest_ business isn't real...though it's the civilians I'm more curious about. He mentions Lucas and Kristin very often. You wouldn't happen to know either of them, would you?"

Bill sighed. "I knew Lucas quite well, but... Contacting him isn't going to be possible. He's the late son of Dr. Lawrence Wolenczak."

The doctor's eyes grew wide.

"You know the name, I'm guessing?" He shrugged. "I shouldn't be surprised. Just about everyone knows the work of Dr. Wolenczak, but very few people know he had a son. Nathan had met him and his son, Lucas, in 2015 or so at a science convention. You know about Nathan's scientific work? Well, apparently, Lucas had been a huge fan of his, and Nathan...Nathan had always said he'd reminded him of Robert when he was younger..."

"But something happened to him?" the doctor asked quietly.

"A few months after that, there'd been some kind of accident at the boy's school. A fire, if I remember right." He shook his head sadly. "Nathan had been broken up about it when he'd heard about it. It...it had really affected him, especially since Bobby had been lost at sea a few months after that. I think he just... When he was alone at that island, he didn't seem to want to admit..."

Dr. Carpenter held up a hand. "You don't need to explain any more. I think I understand. What about this Kristin Westphalen? Nathan claims she's a doctor. Is she really?"

"She's the only one of his 'crew' I've never actually met. When Nathan was stationed overseas, he'd injured his ankle, and she'd been the doctor on call. Somehow, he'd talked her into going out for dinner after she'd patched him up, and they had a very deep conversation. Or at least that's how the story went. I think if things had been different... He loved Carol with all his heart, mind you..."

"So you think he had feelings for this woman?"

"In a way, yes; even after Carol passed, he'd talk about her." He sighed. ""I did find an address for her on the Internex a few months back, but I never actually contacted her. I mean, it would be pretty awkward, don't you think? Not to mention the fact it would be a shock for her." He shook his head. "I don't think it's a good idea, personally."

Though the doctor wore a disappointed frown, he nodded. "I suppose you're right. I was hoping she was a close friend, not someone he'd met once." He paused, putting all the papers back in order and closing the folder. "Truthfully, then, all we can do is to keep reminding him about the real world. He still has people who care about him in Pearl, doesn't he?"

"Well, there's my wife and me. He doesn't have any living relatives; we have some mutual friends, but he hasn't seen them in years."

"Talk to them and see if you can't get them to pay him a visit. I've a feeling the more people from the real world we can get to visit him, the more it will make him realize he doesn't need that fantasy world. Remind him about everything he already has."

"So it's all up to him?" Bill muttered.

"Essentially, yes. Did you expect something else?"

The older man shook his head. "No, I just... What if he chooses not to let the world of _seaQuest_ go?"

Dr. Carpenter sighed heavily. "Whatever happens... Well, if he chooses to come back to reality, which is what we all want, it won't happen overnight. And if he chooses to stay in Wonderland, then I can assure you we'll make him as comfortable as possible."

"So if he makes the wrong choice, he'll stay here permanently?"

"I promise we'll make him as comfortable as possible," the doctor replied, "but I also think you shouldn't think of it as the wrong choice. You must admit Nathan seems happy, doesn't he?"

"But he doesn't know any better," Bill protested. "Surely, anything would be better than this."

The doctor shrugged. "I want him to get better as well, but surely, his happiness matters more than anything, don't you think?" He then stood and shook Bill's hand. "Thank you for your help, Mr. Noyce. Please know I'm hoping for the best, just as you are."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

That afternoon, Kristin called the rest of the crew back to the ward room, since Nathan was busy. She paced at the front of the room until the rest of the senior staff were all seated.

"Something tells me this is bad news," Lucas muttered nervously.

Kristin sighed, wringing her hands together. "I don't really know," she admitted. "I think it's clear we can't pretend anymore."

"So this might be the end?" Tim said.

She nodded quietly. "I just thought we might want to meet with each other one last time, in case. Maybe...maybe I thought we could say our goodbyes." She took a shaky breath as she shrugged. "Or perhaps I just didn't want to be alone..."

Ben stood and put an arm around her shoulders. "It's going to be okay, Doc. If we're going out, we're going out together."

She gratefully put her arms around him, needing the physical comfort.

"What about the rest of the crew?" Katie asked quietly. "Do they know?"

Pulling out of Ben's arms, Kristin turned to her. "I didn't have the heart to tell them, but I was thinking perhaps it's better that way?" She glanced to Jonathan. "It won't hurt them, will it?"

He reached across the table and gave her hand a squeeze. "I'm sure it won't."

Kristin nodded quietly, biting her bottom lip. The fact of the matter was, none of them really knew whether or not it would hurt, but she desperately wanted to accept his answer. They were all frightened, and if these were their last moments, she didn't want to think of anyone suffering.

Lucas moved to approach her. "How long do you think we have? What...what about Darwin?"

"Darwin's going to be fine, kid," Ben answered for her. "I know it's a hard thing to hear, but you can't expect the doc to perform a miracle here. It all depends on the captain. She can't do anything more than she's already done."

Despite what he'd said, Kristin felt tears sting her eyes anyway. "I wish things were different, Lucas."

Lucas nodded, moving to hug her. "I...I know you tried. Don't cry, Doc, please. Like you said, maybe we still have a chance. We don't know what the captain will do."

"It's more what they might make him do," she whispered. "And I can't say if he'll succumb to them or not."

Several minutes passed, and the rest of the crew joined in the group hug. There was nothing else to say, and they all needed to know they'd existed, at least for the time being. However, the captain's voice suddenly cut through the silence, causing them all to pull away from each other.

"Kristin? You promised you'd stay with me."

She wiped the stray tears from her cheeks and moved to take his hand. "I haven't left you," she assured him. "We were just having a private moment, in case..."

He nodded. "Bill wants me to talk to him now, and I...I don't want to do it alone."

She gave his hand a squeeze. "You won't be." She paused, glancing down. "I just ask one thing."

"Anything."

"Whatever he asks you to do, just be sure it's what you really want. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that all we want is for you to be happy, and we...we're fine with whatever you decide."

He kissed her softly. "Thanks for that...and everything else."

Before she could reply, she heard the click of the door opening. "You're welcome. Just remember I'm always with you."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When Bill stepped into Nathan's room, he could instantly tell there was something different. He seemed more alert, making him hopeful that perhaps the doctor was right: that he'd no longer follow the magic of the white rabbit and come back to reality. "You look well today, Nathan."

Nathan gave his old friend a smile. "I feel well today," he admitted. "And I already know what you're going to ask me. The doctor already mentioned it earlier."

A brow rose. "You do? And...you're okay with it?"

Nathan felt Kristin's hand on his and couldn't help but smile. "I know you're worried that I'm always going to be alone if I don't make some changes."

"Janet and I will always come and see you," he replied. "But we also want you to get better. But hearing the news that you're ready to admit that your fantasy world isn't real... Well, that's the best thing I've heard in a long time. And I'm just so glad you're ready to come back to the real world."

Nathan frowned. "You're serious? You mean you're going to sit there and tell me you can't see her?"

"See...see who?"

Nathan motioned to his left. "Kristin. She's sitting right here, Bill, and I've decided... I'm not ready to leave her or any of the others."

Kristin's eyes grew wide. "Nathan...are you sure you know what you're doing?" she whispered.

He held up a quieting hand to her, turning back to Bill. "And I know you're going to say I'm throwing my life away, but what life is that? Out there, I'd be all alone."

Bill shook his head. "You'd have Janet and me. And you have other friends."

"You and Janet have your own lives. You don't need to me around to upset that, and those other friends... I haven't seen them in years. The truth is, I don't want to go back out there and have to start over again." He squeezed Kristin's hand. "I already have a life with them that I love. I'm happy here."

Bill's mouth fell open slightly before he found his voice again. "But you sound surprisingly collected. You could walk away from this. We could... We could find the real Kristin. What do you say?"

Nathan turned to the woman next to him, the woman only he could see.

"Are you asking me for permission?" she asked quietly.

He shrugged. "I'm not sure. It's just... No matter what could be waiting for me out there, it'll never be like the world we have now."

She placed a hand on his arm. "The decision needs to be yours and yours alone, though. I guess you need to ask yourself if the possibility of what could be waiting for you is better than what you already have." She paused, kissing him gently on the cheek. "But if you don't mind, I'm not sure I can stay here and watch you tell him you're going to leave us. Just remember I...I'll always love you, and if you ever decide you need me again, you know where to find me."

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

When she walked back to the ward room, she couldn't help but break down. "I think... I think we've lost him," she said through her tears. "I thought we stood a chance for a moment, but... Bill made him an offer I don't think he'll turn down."

She felt Ben's arms go around her. "Oh, Doc... Are you sure?"

She nodded against his shoulder. "He...he told him they'd find the real Kristin. How...how can we compete with that?"

"I guess we can't," he muttered. "But...it's going to be okay. It...it'll all be over soon."

She shut her eyes tightly, waiting for the world to melt away completely. She just hoped it would be over soon.

Several minutes passed, and she couldn't help but notice that she still seemed aware of her surroundings. She could still feel Ben's arms around her, still smell his cologne. She pulled away, risking a look at the others. They were all still there as well. At least, she could see them. This wasn't what she'd imagined it all. She thought it would be over in an instant.

"Um, guys, is it just me or are we still...alive?" Miguel asked.

"Oh, you're very much alive," Nathan replied, walking into the ward room and taking his place at the head of the table. "Dry those eyes, people. We have work to do."

"You...you mean it?" Lucas asked, unable to hide his smile. "We're here to stay?"

"Do you really think I'd leave without saying goodbye?" Nathan asked him. "I could never, ever walk away from this, walk away from you. Now, let's get to work, people."

The others began to file out of the room, save for Kristin. "You...you gave us quite a scare."

"I know, and I'm sorry. If you'd have just stayed a little longer, though..."

"I just thought for sure you'd want... I didn't think we were enough for you."

Nathan held up a finger. "But that's where you're wrong. You always were...and you always will be. And, yes, I am truly happy right where I am."


End file.
